


After the nightmare, confessions

by NoMoreBeer4U



Series: After the nightmare series [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s01e13 Fire and Water, Friendship, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23666428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMoreBeer4U/pseuds/NoMoreBeer4U
Summary: After Daniel is rescued from Oannes, Jack has a confession to make.
Relationships: Daniel Jackson/Jack O'Neill
Series: After the nightmare series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704055
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	After the nightmare, confessions

“So, what did you say?”

“What?”

“You know… at the memorial service” Daniel looked at Jack mischievously. “Sam told me you said some really nice things. So, what did you say?”

Jack watched Daniel for a second and then he glanced intensely at the label of his bottle. They were sitting side by side on Jack’s couch. He was strongly holding a bottle of beer, hoping that would disguise the trembling of his hands. Only twenty four hours ago, he had thought Daniel was dead. Only twenty four hours ago, they found out about the squidman hoax, went back to the planet that would fill up his nightmares for the rest of his life, and rescued his archaeologist from that squid… fish… whatever. 

Other than a residual headache from the brain sucker alien machine and an over exhaustion due to the lack of sleep and edible food, Daniel was in pretty good shape, so after a begging party of said archaeologist, Janet left him go with the promise to come back if the headache grew in intensity or appeared some other abnormal symptom. 

Daniel’s apartment had been started to be cleared during his absence and it was full of scattered boxes all over the place, so until it was put together again, he was staying with Jack. After all those days alone in the main suite of Squidman deluxe hotel, he was enjoying the company of his friend. Not that he was going to tell him, of course. 

They had arrived to the house at mid afternoon and Daniel had done a bee line to the spare room. He had slept for fifteen hours straight until the next morning. A long, warm shower and his headache had almost disappeared but he was still feeling a little tired, so after a light and mainly silent breakfast, they were both now resting in Jack’s couch. 

Daniel was barefoot, sitting cross-legged, of course nursing a coffee mug with both hands, while Jack was sitting on the other side of the couch, his feet on the floor, elbows resting on his thighs, his body slightly bent forward while staring at the label of his beer. He was afraid to raise his eyes and find out that Daniel had disappeared. What if it was all a dream after all? What if Daniel had really succumbed under that damn planet flames? No, no, all that had been that son of a bitch fishman’s trick. Daniel was there, next to him, very much alive. He remembered that moment in his hallucination, when his friend had been engulfed in fire, being Jack’s name the last sound leaving his lips. He closed his eyes and shuddered. 

The moment he had thought Daniel was dead, he had felt as if a knife had cut straight through his heart. The air had rushed out of his lungs and for some seconds he had been unable to inhale again. Only his responsibility over Carter and Teal’c had made his legs move and run away from the planet, leaving Daniel, or rather Daniel’s ashes, behind. And it had been at that very moment that he could finally admit to himself the truth about his feelings for his friend. That he was in love, head over heels with him, and he had probably been since that first mission on Abydos, more than one year ago, when the enthusiastic archaeologist took a staff blast meant for him, then revived, put him out of his misery and helped him to reconnect with life again.

But Daniel’s heart belonged to someone else. So Jack had denied his feelings, wrapped them inside a small lead box, and dug them in the remotest corner of his being. He would stick with friendship. Yeah, he could do that. But then, poof! In an instant, his world shattered to pieces in front of his very eyes. 

No more Daniel. Gone. Forever. 

He hadn’t felt such pain since Charlie died. And the small lead box exploded and scattered the evidence all around.

“Jack?”

“Huh”?

The mischievous look had disappeared from Daniel’s face and had been replaced by a frown of concern.

“Jack , are you ok?”

“Yeah, sorry, I just zoned out for a second. You were saying…?” He looked at Daniel and left out a relieved breath. He stared unblinking at the face that made his heart beat at full speed. He was as beautiful on the outside as he was on the inside. And he was real, Daniel was real, he was there, really there, really alive. He tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace.

“The…hum…the…” Daniel stammered, staring back at Jack, trying to read his face and failing completely. He had never seen that expression in the older man before and suddenly he was feeling a bit awkward. “The memorial service…what…what did you say?” he finally managed to say, scowling and swallowing a couple of times.

The colonel sighed. “Well, you know… the usual… that you were a good man… yadda-yadda-yadda…”

“Oh, that’s… deep…not”, Daniel replied raising his expressive eyebrows.

“Hum… maybe I also mentioned… that… well, that you were…” suddenly the beer bottle’s label regained a great interest, “maybe I mentioned that you were our… voice…and…our…hum… conscience”. He took a long gulp of his beer, swallowed hard and gazed at Daniel again, while peeling the label nervously with his right thumb.

Daniel’s eyebrows climbed even higher. “Wow, that’s…”

“Deep”, they said in unison, nodding.

Daniel looked at his friend intensely for a moment and could see a trace of what looked like sadness.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that. I can’t imagine what I’d have felt if something like that had happened to you, Sam or Teal’c.”

“It wasn’t funny.”

“No, I guess not. I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault, only that Nemo fish to blame. Besides, the food at the wake was good. So I was told… not that I could eat or… anything.”

“What? I had a wake?”, Daniel looked surprised. Well, of course he’d had a wake, it was the usual custom. But thinking about that, was… weird, to say the least.

Jack’s gaze suddenly darkened and Daniel could have sworn that for a moment he saw moisture in his eyes.

“I smashed Hammond’s car window with a hockey stick,” he uttered softly.

Daniel’s eyes opened widely. “What?! Why?!”

And at that moment the memory of the whole incident rushed into Jack’s mind. The arrival to the planet, the four of them walking surrounded by volcanic holes, and all of a sudden, Daniel stepping forward and being engulfed on fire, screaming with excruciating pain, dying.”

“Aaaaaghhhhh! Jack! Jack!! Help! Help!!”

Daniel saw how his friend face bleached. “Jack, what’s wrong?”

And he couldn’t hold it anymore. All Jack’s emotions, safely contained until the moment, rushed out without control.

“For crying out loud, Daniel! You died!” He yelled while standing up, waving his arms, beer spouting from his unfinished bottle. He ran one hand through his hair, trying to regain control on himself. He was trembling.

Daniel stared at him stunned. He didn’t know what to think. It all had been a hoax after all. Why was Jack so upset? Why had his supposed death hit him so hard? Well, yes, they were friends. So had been Kawalsky, but he never saw Jack in this state after he died.

Jack turned around, turning his back on Daniel. “I was going to retire”. His shoulders slumped.

“What?! Why?!, Daniel repeated, going from stunned to open mouthed shocked.

“For Christ’s sake, Daniel! You died! What don’t you understand?! You D-I-E-D! Died!” He turned around red faced, whipping his free hand towards the young archaeologist back and forward, to emphasize his point. 

“jack, that didn’t happen, I’m here, see? It wasn’t real…”

“It was real to us! To me!! For five days, Daniel, for five damned neverending days the only thing I could think about was that you were dead!!

And Jack’s face wasn’t unreadable anymore. Daniel could see the anguish, the pain, stamped all over it. He blinked repeatedly, his mouth drawing a perfect O.

“I… I don’t understand, Jack, I mean, of course I’m your friend, so was Kawalsky for that matter, but you weren’t smashing generals’ windows or thinking about retiring when he died.”

“That was different.”

“How? How was that different?”

Jack sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Oh yes, it does matter. Jack, why was it different with me?”

“Just forget it, ok?”

“Jack?”

“I said forget it.”

“Jaaack?”

“Danieeel?”

“Jack!”

Ok, now Daniel was like a dog with a bone. He wasn’t going to leave it until he had a satisfactory answer. They had a dangerous job, maybe next time it wouldn’t be a hoax. So what the hell. He decided to lay his cards on the table. Jack went back to sit on the couch, next to Daniel. He left the bottle on the coffee table. Chocolate eyes locked with blue ones. He looked defeated. His expression softened, and a sad smile curved his lips.

“I didn’t love Kawalsky, Daniel. Not the same way, at least.”

Daniel gazed at him, with that familiar expression he used whenever he was trying to figure out a complex puzzle. It wasn’t possible that Jack was implying what he was implying, was he? He shook his head.

“Jack, you retired when your son died. You can’t possibly have the same feelings for me.”

“No, no, not the same, he was my son, and you…I… for me you… it’s more like…” Jack stammered. Damn it, he was a colonel in the US Air Force. Badass colonels don’t stammer. “What I mean is that I might have… very… very strong… L feelings for you… Danny”.

Daniel’s eyebrows reached the top. “Oh… L feelings as in…?”

“As in Homer and Marge, Lucy and Ricky…”

“Jack and Ennis?”

“Yep, that would be a more accurate comparison.” He chuckled, relieved that he had been able to pull the rabbit out of the hat, and at the same time regretting it right away. He was scared to dead of Daniel’s reaction. What if he had screwed up the most important friendship he ever had? No, even if Daniel didn’t share his feelings, he would never judge him harshly. He was the most compassionate person he ever met. The friendship was safe anyway, wasn’t it? 

He tried to read some reaction into those bright, almost impossible blue eyes, which were staring at him back, with… what was that? Pity? No, that was more like… compassion? Understanding? Acceptance? 

“Look, I’m not asking for anything, I understand if you don’t… I mean… I just…I’m glad you’re aliv…”

He suddenly stopped when he felt Daniel’s hand on his. He got lost in the young scientist eyes and he realized they were talking about… wait, he knew that gaze… that was more like… love?

God, was that possible that Daniel loved him back? Before he had time to think about it twice, with his mind in a turmoil and his heart pounding hard , he leaned forward and brushed his lips with Daniel’s. Not sensing rejection, he intensified the kiss. Daniel’s lips opened, giving him access, and their tongues met in a sweet dance that mixed tastes of coffee and beer. Then, to Jack’s dismay, before he could deepen the kiss, Daniel’s mouth stopped his movement. He put a hand on his chest and pushed him backwards, breaking the contact.

“Jack… wait, I’m sorry…I… I can’t…” watery eyes looked at Jack, angst was written all over Daniel’s face.

“Daniel, God, I’m sorry… I thought… damn it, I’m sorry… I’ll just…” feeling his heart shattering and fighting a lump in his throat the size of Texas, he looked away and tried to stand up, but a firm hand took hold of his wrist and kept him on his place.

“Jack, is not what you think, but… Sha’re…”

Now Jack was feeling like a complete idiot. Carried away by the emotion he had forgotten about her. What the hell had he been thinking? He knew how much in love Daniel was with his wife. He had been frontline witness of his despair when she was snatched from his side. Idiot, idiot, idiot! The poor guy was living through hell since her kidnapping and subsequent possession by the Goa’uld, and there he was, brandishing his libido like a horny teenager.

“I’m so sorry, Daniel, I’m a complete asshole. Way to go, O’Neill, King of Assholeland. I’ve always been lousy with that feelings crap thing, but I just broke my own record.” Jack didn’t dare to look at Daniel in the eyes.

“Jack…”

“No, Daniel, let me apologize, please. I was insensitive…”

“Jack…”

“…unsympathetic…”

“Jack…”

“… and a sheer jerk, and I’ll understand if you never ta….”

“Jack! Will you shut up and listen to me?!” Despite the tone, there was a hint of sympathy in his voice. “Jack, look at me, look at me, please.”

Finally he raised his eyes to Daniel’s, and under the shadow of anguish he thought he saw what he had seen before. Daniel licked his lips, took a deep inhalation, looked a moment to the right, then down in that characteristic way of his, until his sapphire watery eyes locked again with chocolate colored ones. He inhaled deeply once again and shot.

“ImighthavestrongLfeelingsforyoutoo.”

“What?”

“I said that I… I might have… strong L… feelings for you… too.” He swallowed.

It was Jack’s turn to stare open mouthed stunned. “But… but you love Sha’re.”

Daniel sighed and blinked, eyes shinning with unshed tears. “But I loved you first.” Daniel voice cracked, and a single, thick tear rolled down his right cheek.

“I… I don’t understand.” Jack resisted his impulse of brushing the drop away from Daniel’s smooth face and kept staring, confused, while new tears slowly rolled down the young archaeologist now damp cheeks.

“Jack,” Daniel went on. his voice broken with emotion, “do you remember, on Abydos, the last time we saw Share, do you remember our goodbye kiss?”

Jack smiled sadly at the memory. “Yeah, I remember she sucked your tonsils out after you kissed her on her… forehead. Oh!” Realization struck him like a lightning.

“Yes, Jack. Oh. I love her deeply, I’d gladly trade places with her to stop his suffering, but I’m not in love with her. I’m in love with you since our first mission. I never told her, and she never asked. But there was those nights when I just went outside alone, sat down on the sand for a while, looking at the stars, and I guess she knew.“

“But you stayed there with her. If you were feeling that way, why didn’t you come back with us? With me? Why didn’t you say something then?”

Daniel snorted. “Yeah, sure, macho colonel meets know-it-all geek and they lived happily ever after. You were married, Jack, which in my book translated to unavailable and straight. So I took my second best option. There was nothing for me on Earth, the only thing that mattered to me at that moment was out of reach. And your divorce wasn’t front page in “The New Abydonian Times” precisely, so yeah, I stayed with her.” 

Daniel gulped for a second and sniffled before continuing talking. This time Jack didn’t stop his instinct and lift his right hand until he reached the younger man face. He cuped his cheek and started to sweep his thumb softly, brushing the tears away. Daniel leant his head, seeking the touch and sighed. “I stayed and I learnt to love her. She is beautiful, curious, and really smart. Our marriage wasn’t all fireworks, but she is a passionate woman and it was good enough. I guess you can say I was happy there. The Abydonians are amazing people, noble and caring. I felt as if I had a family again.” 

His voice trailed off with the emotion.” But I never forgot you, Jack. I tried to bury my feelings but I couldn’t. With you I feel this higher connection that I can’t… I can’t explain. And then you came back, and you told me you weren’t married anymore… and I… Sha’re…God, Sha’re…!“ Daniel closed his eyes tight and couldn’t hold it anymore. A loud sob filled the room and his shoulders started to shake uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face. 

Jack was at a loss. He felt his heart constrict by his friend’s misery. He wasn’t used to dealing with this kind of emotions. Damn, he hadn’t even been able to deal with his own sorrow when his son died, let alone Sarah’s. Anger instead... anger was easy to deal with. He had plenty of resources to deal with anger. With anger he could shout, hit and shoot. However, sadness, grief… but this was Daniel. He was the man he loved more than life and he wasn’t going to fail him the same way he failed Sarah. He wanted to comfort him badly, so he swept the coffee mug from Daniel’s hands, and pulled him into a fierce hug. He started to rock him back and forward, whispering soothing words, while the younger man cried heart-wrenching sobs.

“Shhhhh, we’ll find her Daniel, everything will be alright.”

“No, you don’t understand, Jack,” the scientist cried, trembling under the embrace. “That first night, in your house, in your spare room, after you told me you weren’t married to Sarah anymore, I… a big part of me was devastated for Sha’re, but then there was that other part that was happy that you were back into my life. My wife… my wife was suffering who knows what sort of atrocities and I… I spent a while fantasizing about you, Jack. I was thinking, what would have happened if I had come back with you the first time. God, what sort of person does it make me? God, Sha’re, forgive me… forgive me!”

Jack had seen Daniel cry twice before but never in such a soul-wrenching mode. The first time was when they left Abydos after Sha’re and Skaara’s abduction, and the second time in Chulak, when he found out his wife destiny under Amaunet’s control. Both times he had managed to contain part of the storm that was inhabiting in his insides, but now, under Jack’s embrace, he was releasing all the mixture of suppressed feelings: anger, grief, devastation, love… and above all, guilt. Guilt for reopening the Abydos’ gate to begin with and thus allowing Apophis attack. Guilt for being unable to protect Sha’re, guilt for not being able to return all the love she was offering to him, guilt for being there, loving jack, while she was living the inconceivable and at the same time guilt for not being able to give Jack what he wanted. The older man continued rocking him, reassuring him.

He was mentally kicking himself for having opened Pandora’s box, causing his friend so much pain. Daniel was too vulnerable at the moment. Sha’re’s abduction was to recent, only a few months ago. He wasn’t ready to deal with all that new information. Maybe in time, but not right now. Hell, Colonel Bigmouth. His timing really sucked.

After some minutes, Daniel calmed down a bit and broke the hug. Embarrassed, he wiped away the tears with the heels of his hands.

“God, jack, I’m sorry.” He said with broken voice, skipping eye contact. “ I shouldn’t have come to your house. I should have stayed at the base.”

“What, and miss my endless charming company?”

Daniel snorted. “Seriously Jack, what kind of person have love fantasies while…” he looked away, towards an inexistent spot in the floor, his face crumpled, unable to finish the sentence. The guilt he was feeling at the moment was overwhelming. Jack grabbed his chin, lifted his head, and met puffy red-rimmed eyes.

“It makes you human, Daniel. You were living a traumatic experience. You just needed to hold on some pleasant thought to avoid falling apart completely. You know, even in war zones, from time to time people gather together and they sing, and dance. It’s a self-defense mechanism. I’ve seen this many times. It’s a way to keep your brain functioning on an acceptable level, to know that not everything that surrounds you is shit. Without this moments, you lose all hope.”

“I love you so much, Jack, but I can’t act about it. I’m sorry…I can’t… I can’t even think of enjoying a life with you while she is out there, trapped, suffering. I could never forgive myself. I would hate myself, and eventually you’d hate me too. She is counting on me to save her, I know it. And I need your help. Right now I need your friendship above all but I can’t start anything with you beyond that, because I’m afraid… I’m terrified that if I let myself to be happy with you I will forget about her. And I love her too Jack, not the same way, but I love her too.”

“It’s ok, Daniel, I understand, really. I know you’d never do anything to hurt her. We’ll find her, I promise I’ll put all my skills on it. And when we find her…”

“… when we find her, then will see Jack, but I can’t think about anything else for the time being.”

“So…, we stick with Platonic?” 

“I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want.”

“Shhhhh, don’t even dare to feel guilty about this, capisci? 

“You know me too well.”

“That I do, Dr. Jackson. So no guilt trip.” 

Daniel rolled his eyes.

“I can stick with friendship, seriously. I can live with that. What I can’t live with is with you being dead, so I’ll be ok as long as you are safe and sound.”

“I promise I’ll try my best to keep fishguys out of my way from now on.”

“Fishguys, staff weapons, ribbon devices…”

“Ok, ok, I get the idea.”

Daniel hold Jack’s gaze for a minute and many things were said in that moment. Their eyes talked about understanding, acceptance, gratitude, friendship, love and hope. And no more words were needed. They hugged again, hard, and when they pulled apart Jack was smiling gently.

“Are you going to be ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, I think so.”

“So, are we good?” 

“Yes, Jack,” Daniel nodded, “ we’re good.” 

“Sweet. We have to be at the base in three hours. We have time for a… chess game?”

Daniel mirrored Jack’s smile. “Yes, Jack, I’d like that.”

The end, for now

**Author's Note:**

> I always thought Jack and Daniel are meant to be together, but I just can’t imagine Daniel cheating on Sha’re. But no worries, they’ll be a sequel were our two boys end up in each other’s arms.


End file.
